of falling in and falling out

i diagnosed myself to have bipolar disorder. in laymen's term a manic-depressive. i don't have time to see a shrink (i don't think zamboanga has one *sigh) so after leafing through the pages of my psycha book and finding this term, i decided that the symptoms were custom made for me. i need a name to describe the way i felt this past week. frankly, shitty is the only word that comes into my mind. hai hai, i never want to go through another week like this one. shitty, shitty, shitty. oh man, give me some prozac!

now that i have a name, we try to delve into the reasons as to why i feel shitty all the time. i came up with a couple of answers:

1. it's all about classes-- i pay P30,000 per sem and all i get is shitty classes. shitty= dumb, gay teachers.
2.falling out with old friends...-- i blame myself for this. my personality is a complex one, and even i don't understand the prima donna b*tch. all i can say is that i wished i had placed more efforts in maintaining my relationships with friends. it hurts me bad to see me and monique drifting apart. not that we hate each other, mind. it's just that she has a new circle of friends and i don't. i feel jealous everytime she goes out with her friends. i guess i keep on remembering the times when we used to go out. i want to get her attention sometimes, but i feel like a complete idiot. i am starting to sound positively lesbo here...0_o'
3. ...and falling in with new ones-- kill me, then. i have a tendency of withdrawing back when things get too cozy and close. it feels soooo...cheesy. cottage cheese. the risk of putting yourself out there, of sharing an identity with someone else, of being typecasted into one group...that pisses me off for some reason. which makes me understand why i still have no boyfriend after two decades in this world.
4. senior blues-- i should say, yey i am a senior! instead i say, God!...i've been ranting about my love-hate relationship with nursing for the past 4 years that i'll stop and just shoot myself.
5. suicidal tendencies-- don't call the cops. nobody takes me seriously anyway. nope, i'm a passive suicide idealist *idealist??WTF??* and it means that i think about death and dying a lot, but i don't make plans to kill myself. i don't think i'll make a lovely corpse.
6.hypochondriac-- human beings are proud of their flaws. often, they'd rather stick with their crippling and debilitating demons than take on a new life. bad as it seems, demons are comfort zones, familiar territory. it's an identity see??

i am running out of reasons. thinking has not been therapeutic. it only made me feel dumber by the second. i read other people's blog and gawk at their finesse and ability to chronicle their day to day lives in such an intelligent and lofty manner. all i can manage is a shitty summary of how shitty i have been feeling. my swearing has grown refined, thanks to blogging.

i find it strange that my classmates don't blog. my cousin's classmates blog all the time. i dunno, i just noticed that right now. shitty, i know.