years

i am getting old...

last night, we held our club's commitment night. it's an annual event, and in my 3 years of being a psalmista, i have always attended this event, as a participant. this year, however, i went in as an organizer. and it has taken its toll on my frayed nerves.

most new members were freshmen and sophomores. hyper is an understatement, manic is more like it. i watched their activities with ambivalence, fond and happy but at the same time annoyed and irritated. as i said, it does not take a big thing to irritate me. i find that the little things irritate me most, like when somebody talks to loud or acts girly. i know, God help me.

the fact remained that i felt completely out of place. granted, i am not that old but i felt i was a good 20 years older than my age, the way i acted. i have never been comfortable with a large group of people, much more young people. how in earth am i suppose to engage them in genuine conversation where they won't be secretly wishing me to roll over and die?

after the opening programs, we had some games and i sat out. not good for my bones. and yes, i thought it was extremely cheesy. i am seriously thinking of kicking my own ass for being so...so..so...uhm..difficult.

sleep time came, and all were huddled together in classic-slumber party style, where girls divulge their secrets and boys get to be boys. seriously, i have outgrown that phase as well, and i never liked the talking part anyway. i can't relate to their stories. i felt waaay too old to be part of their group. sure, seniority has its advantages, but not at that time.especially when you easily get bored with talks of boys, ghosts and boys.don't get me wrong, their good kids. i'm just too old.

i wanted to have an intelligent conversation with someone, someone who could talk sensibly and preferably in tagalog not in english, because for me, english outside the classroom is irritating to my ears. i wished for someone who could sit still and share some moments of silence. i found two or three but i got bored. to say that i was more intelligent than them is pompous. but that's what i felt. too intelligent for them, too complicated.

unlike them, i am not simple-minded. sometimes but not often, because i get angry with myself. as i curled all alone last night, at an early hour while all were still up and talking, i wished for the old days of commitment night. egotistical as it may seem, i wanted to have the attention to myself and be the baby of the group, as i was before now. previously, i got to be pampered, spoiled rotten by my seniors, and my aunt pointed out that i always wanted to be with older people. it's the attention that fuels this desire. it is gratifying to be appreciated for who you are.

that's what i tried to do to the new members. to make them feel welcomed and appreciated. but 3 sentences of short talk is my limit and i ended up fumbling with the pillow, mumbling incoherently. i looked like an idiot, when i wanted to prove that i was intelligent beyond my years.

i retired to bed early. boredom, exhaustion and my age made me do it.

i am getting old.